and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
