Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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