he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i used baking grease as lip gloss
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
