I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
