We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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