How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
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Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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