I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
