WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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