last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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