already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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