Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
