Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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