U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I intend to get homeless drunk
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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