um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
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He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
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TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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