Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
