so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
