i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
