Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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