I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
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Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
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I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!