He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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