The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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