Having a random hookup so left but love u
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
