I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
