Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
