i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
