im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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