I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
