I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
