when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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