you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
