my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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