Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I am naked and annoyed.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
