dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
