my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
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