Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
