the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
