I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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