I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Well I just put wine in my tea
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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