I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
