who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
