Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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