apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He better not be in your backpack
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
