Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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