I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
