Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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