I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
We need to rekindle our bromance
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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