I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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