im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
