my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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