True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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