when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
