Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
