I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
