I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
