You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
