I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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