Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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