Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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