Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
