What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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