I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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