his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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