Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
