So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
