I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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