life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
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